Consuming Your Values When You Can't Live Them
The Part of Doomscrolling That is Rarely Talked About
Nobody wants to doomscroll.
Nobody wakes up in the morning and says “I can’t wait to spend the first 4 hours of my day on TikTok!”
Yet it’s something that so many of us do. Cue the waves of guilt, anxiety, and procrastination that ensue. We get to the end of the day thinking:
“How did I waste the day again? Now I feel even more behind.”
Of course, to cover up the bad feelings, we take out our phones and start scrolling again, bringing the torrent of negative emotions down to only a background hum.
Before going to bed, we resolve to be better tomorrow and exercise willpower. Maybe we even delete our social media for a day or a week. But then, once we start to feel better, the same habits creep back in and we’re back to square one.
The unfortunate part is that the common response to this cycle is something like:
“What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I have the willpower to just stop?”
The fact is that there’s nothing “wrong with you”. There’s no malfunction happening here. It’s the natural response to your attention being hijacked by algorithms engineered to learn what type of content keeps you glued to the screen.
But there is a way to break the loop, and it doesn’t start with willpower. It starts with values.
When we can’t live our values, we consume them
There are basic human needs that we simply can’t go without to live fulfilling and satisfying lives. And when we’re lacking in one of these arenas of life, we will find a way to fill it, even if it doesn’t look healthy from the outside.
This is where our phones swoop in, offering convenient band-aid solutions to our problems, which would otherwise demand time and effort to resolve.
The tricky part is that our brains have not evolved to take the effortful route, they have evolved to extract maximum reward for minimal effort, even if the result is ultimately unfulfilling, but good enough to satisfy us in the short-term.
And that’s exactly what our phones offer us: an incredibly convenient, yet unfulfilling pacifier, providing us with hyper-stimulating content which is instantly gratifying in the short run, yet leaves us feeling drained and hungry for more in the long run.
Here’s what this phenomenon looks like with several of our core human needs:
Connection & Community
We want to feel connected to others and belong.
→ Phone behavior: checking messages, posting for likes, parasocial relationships
→ Deeper need: genuine, in-person relationships
Emotional Safety & Regulation
When emotions surge, we seek comfort or distraction.
→ Phone behavior: endless scrolling, comfort shopping, game/ entertainment binges
→ Deeper need: healthy modes of emotional regulation (journaling, exercise, quality time with friends/ family, mindfulness practice, etc.)
Agency & Direction
When life disorients us, we seek direction/ a plan to move forward.
→ Phone behavior: consuming self-help/ productivity content
→ Deeper need: small, consistent actions toward valued goals
Purpose/ Meaning
We want to make a positive impact in others’ lives/ in the world.
→ Phone behavior: chasing motivational videos or distraction through entertainment
→ Deeper need: meaningful work, creative expression, and being of service to others
Adventure & Growth
We want to expand our horizons and take on challenges that demand our best.
→ Phone behavior: binge watching others’ exciting lives or experiences
→ Deeper need: novelty and challenge through learning new skills, hobbies, travel, etc.
Control & Security
We crave predictability and security when life feels uncertain.
→ Phone behavior: overconsuming news, constantly checking updates or emails
→ Deeper need: building self-trust, establishing routines that ground us, and embracing change
Validation
We want to feel recognized and valued for our efforts.
→ Phone behavior: posting for likes, checking analytics, or comparing yourself to others
→ Deeper need: confidence, self-acceptance, and genuine pride in effort
Notice that in each case, the phone-based solution doesn’t actually fulfill the need in a sustainable way. Rather, it provides temporary relief from the absence of a core need. And temporary relief creates a cycle of dependence.
We might be able to suppress uncomfortable emotional states for a little while by scrolling, but that is not the same as genuine processing and regulation, which gets to the root of the issue.
We might feel a temporary sense of connection through social media, but it doesn’t suffice to replace the depth of real-world connection.
We might get a thrill out of watching people live exciting lives on the internet, but we still feel the desire to have that type of excitement in our own lives.
We all know these things from experience, yet we often find ourselves gravitating back to our phones when we feel we’re lacking, because they’re incredibly convenient and within arm’s reach 24/7.
This is why abstinence alone doesn’t work. Because, in reality, your phone actually provides value to your life. It might not feel like value added, but when deep needs go unmet, something is better than nothing. It’s like starving in a dessert and coming across a fast food stand: you take what you can get.
But if you can identify those deeper needs, suddenly a whole world of opportunity opens up. So take a look at the list above and see if any resonate. What’s your reason for scrolling?
Once you’ve identified your core values/ unmet needs, you can take the next step: making time for what matters.
Making time for what matters
You might read this and think: “this is too simple to work”.
And, listen, I hear you. The modern mantra of “just put down your phone and go outside” comes off as an oversimplification. But it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Here’s the distinction: just because a solution is simple does not mean it is easy. Initiating a set of new habits including making time for friends, spending time in nature, having novel and exciting experiences, reading books, and learning new skills will not happen overnight.
And that’s how we stay stuck. We try to do it all at once, then give up when we find ourselves overwhelmed and stressed from trying to change our entire lives in a day. Once our stress gets to a certain threshold, we revert to our best coping mechanism: the phone.
Back to square one.
So what do we do instead? Start. Small.
Start embarrassingly small, and make it predictable.
A 15 minute walk at lunch. Practicing guitar for 10 minutes each evening after dinner. Working on that project you’ve been putting off for 20 minutes each morning.
Give yourself a specific time window you repeat every day. Know exactly when, where, and for how long you’re going to do the thing you want to do.
Structure is absolutely vital — I can’t stress this enough.
The reality is that your brain can only handle so much change at once without feeling overwhelmed, and it takes time for that change to become a habit. Every micro decision your brain has to make uses mental energy, and your mental energy is limited. By eliminating the need to make those decisions, you preserve that precious energy for the things that actually matter.
Our lesser habits have a gravity of their own, and without structure we default to the easy solution and revert back to the things that keep us stuck. The moment you have to negotiate with yourself as to whether you’ll do what you set out to do, the likelihood of it actually happening decreases by the second.
But when you know in advanced exactly when you’ll be doing the thing and for how long, you don’t need to think, you don’t need to deliberate. And when you start small, you increase the likelihood of actually staying consistent by lowering the bar for effort.
So start small, have a schedule, and give your brain the space to learn.
And here’s the cool thing: this isn’t a linear process. One might think that 10 minutes a day is a useless effort, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The act of showing up each day is the most important aspect here, because it builds momentum, making the act of showing up easier and easier by the day. Building the habit is the hardest part. Scaling is secondary.
What can I do today?
Here’s exactly what you can do today to begin making sustainable change.
Make this simple for yourself. Look at your screen habits and extract the values you’re missing in your life. What are the things in life that matter to you that you’re not getting enough of?
Using the examples we went through earlier:
Are you over-consuming self-help? Maybe you need to start taking action on that business idea.
Are you constantly checking your messages? Maybe see a fried or join a local club/ organization.
Do you find yourself numbing out by scrolling? Maybe take the time to journal, talk to a friend/ loved one, and try to get to the root of what’s troubling you.
You don’t have to have it all figured out at once. One step at a time is all it takes.
Look at your screen habits —> reflect on your values —> identify healthy ways to meet those values —> carve out fixed times and practice living your values daily
Simple, not easy. But if you’re willing to make the effort, truly transformative.
If you want to learn more about how to take back your time from doomscrolling and make quality time for the things that truly matter to you, I have a 2 week guide to stop doomscrolling and take back 750+ hours of quality time per year, and I’m giving it away for free.
DM me “Attention” and I’ll send it your way.
That’s all for today folks.
Thanks and happy holidays,
Max :)